I stood still£¬ panting like the animal I had suddenly become. Jesus Christ£¡ What the hell had happened to me£¿ I turned to look at Jen.
But she was gone.
I mean absolutely gone£¬ because I didn't even hear footsteps on the stairs. Christ£¬ she must have dashed out the instant I grabbed the phone. Even her coat and scarf were still there. The pain of not knowing what to do was exceeded only by that of knowing what I had done.
I searched everywhere. In the Law School library£¬ I prowled the rows of grinding students£¬ looking and looking. Up and back£¬ at least half a dozen times. Though I didn't utter a sound£¬ I knew my glance was so intense£¬ my face so fierce£¬ I was disturbing the whole place. Who cares£¿
But Jenny wasn't there.
Then all through Harkness Commons£¬ the lounge£¬ the cafeteria. Then a wild sprint to look around Agassiz Hall at Radcliffe. Not there£¬ either. I was running everywhere now£¬ my legs trying to catch up with the pace of my heart.
Paine Hall£¿ £¨Ironic goddamn name£¡£© Downstairs are piano practice rooms. I know Jenny. When she's angry£¬ she pounds the keyboard. Right£¿ But how about when she's scared to death£¿
It's crazy walling down the corridor£¬ practice rooms on either side. The sounds of Mozart and Bartok£¬ Bach and Brahms filter out from the doors and blend into this weird infernal sound.
Jenny's got to be here£¡
Instinct made me stop at a door where I heard the pounding £¨angry£¿£© sound of a Chopin prelude. I paused for a second. The playing was lousy ¡ª¡ª stops and starts and many mistakes. At one pause I heard a girl's voice mutter£¬ "Shit£¡" It had to be Jenny. I flung open the door.
A Radcliffe girl was at the piano. She looked up. Au ugly£¬ big-shouldered hippie Radcliffe girl£¬ annoyed at my invasion.
"What's the matter£¬ man£¿" she asked. "Sorry£¬" I replied£¬ and closed the door again.
Then I tried Harvard Square. Nothing.
Where would Jenny have gone£¿
I just stood there£¬ lost in the darkness of Harvard Square£¬ not knowing where to go or what to do next. A colored guy approached me and inquired if I was in need of a fix. I kind of absently replied£¬ "No£¬ thank you sir."
I wasn't running now. I mean£¬ what was the rush to return to the empty house£¿ It was very late ¡ª¡ª almost 1 A. M. ¡ª¡ª and I was numb ¡ª¡ª more with fright than with the cold £¨although it wasn't warm£¬ believe me£©¡£ From several yards off£¬ I thought I saw someone sitting on the top of the steps. This had to be my eyes playing tricks£¬ because the figure was motionless.
But it was Jenny.
She was sitting on the top step.
I was too tired to panic£¬ too relieved to speak. Inwardly I hoped she had some blunt instrument with which to hit me.
"Jen£¿"
"Ollie£¿"
We both spoke so quietly£¬ it was impossible to take an emotional reading.
"I forgot my key£¬" Jenny said.
I stood there at the bottom of the steps£¬ afraid to ask how long she had been sitting£¬ knowing only that I had wronged her terribly.
"Jenny£¬ I'm sorry ¡ª¡ª"
"Stop£¡" she cut off my apology£¬ then said very quietly£¬ "Love means not ever having to say you're sorry."
I climbed up the stairs to where she was sitting.
"I'd like to go to sleep. Okay£¿" she said.
"Okay."
We walked up to our apartment. As we undressed£¬ she looked at me reassuringly.
"I meant what I said£¬ Oliver."
And that was all.
NEW WORDS
